Florida - Disney World

by Kimp 11. December 2011 06:28
Sometimes the simplest things irritate a very tired Craig.
I flew in from Germany to pick up Sam and then we flew to Orlando. We had a reservation at one of the Disney Owned Resorts called the Palace, that I got for an awesome price. The key was to go from Sunday through Wednesday and skip the very high Thursday, Friday and Saturday rates. We checked in and a very happy desk clerk waived the resort fees because I am an avid traveler. That was something I hadn't ask for, so I was feeling pretty good at that moment. I am guessing that there are sensors in all of the world's urinals, so when I pee, the urine gets sampled and entered into a database that is tracked by Disney. They know that male animals mark their territory and Disney is going to exploit that trait.
We got to our room around 10:30 and headed right to breakfast. After 15 hours of screaming kid flight time, 26 hours of real time, an entire day of airline and airport food, a 4:45 A.M. wake up call, no breakfast that morning and my body being on German time which would have been 4:30 P.M., I was so famished that a glass of water would make me salivate. It was a large breakfast area completely filled with tourist just starting their day. We had to wait about 15 minutes for a table.
Got to the table and there was a nice buffet. I headed right for the freshly cut ham, freshly made tiny Belgian Waffles and made-to-order omelet that they cook right in front of you. Another 10 minutes of salivating while waiting in line there.
As I am waiting in the line for the table and the line for the food we are surrounded by Disney characters meeting all of the kids in the breakfast area. I am watching as they high five kids, several with disease filled hands from wiping the snot running down their nose, and kids with disease filled faces kissing them. Some kids are frightened and run to hide behind or hug their mom. Other kids just start screaming which chain reactions into a bunch of kids crying, probably because they want the first kid to shut up. I am thinking about how they probably never dry clean those suits and only replaced them once a year just before summer. There are about 9 months of disease feed by other disease basking in and oozing through every fiber.
I get to my table with my piping hot food, they steam is filling up my cavernous nostrils,  and I am just about to sit down when Pluto comes over to me. He looks me straight in the eyes and then my biggest nightmare occurs. He sticks his hand out for me to shake it. I hesitate, but in a moment of ease, I reluctantly smile and shake his hand. As his hand is clutching mine, his grip was so tight, he was wringing out all of the moisture and I can feel the nasty wetness cutting through my skin. I try all of the tricks for a quick release. Loosen by grip and he grips harder. Gently pull my had away and he he pulls is closer to him. Tug with my whole arm and he grabs my forearm with his other wet hand and yanks me into him nearly knocking us both to the floor. It was pretty painful but I managed to hold that smile for the whole 10 second hand shake.
Finally free, I look around for the nearest restroom to go and scrub down like a surgeon prepping, but there isn't any in view. I find a servant and ask them where the nearest restroom is? What I got was, "Well there are not any restrooms close to here!" followed by some pretty complicated directions. Go out the way you came in, go through the shop that is on the right, go out the door on the left and into another shop. Go through that into the hall, Turn right and go to the end of the hall. Turn left and go past two more shops. Vere to the right and you can't miss them. I am thing that what I really needed was for the desk clerk to issue me a GPS for the resort when I checked in. The place is wall to wall people and getting around them though the stores takes an expert navigator and lots of patience as they abruptly stop in front of you and block all paths around themselves.
I get there, scrub my hands and forearm thoroughly and prepare for the long journey back to my table.
I arrive at the table and my ass just hit the seat as I see Goofy be-lining in my direction. I quickly pick up my fork and act disinterested, which just made Goofy even more determined to get my attention. I was about to take my first bike of lukewarm food when he sticks his hand out to shake mine. I knew there was no way he was leaving without the hand shake, so I shook Goofy's hand for another 10 seconds with a half painted on smile. I said to Goofy, "A trip here just would not be the same without meeting you.
This was followed by another trip back to rest room and back. The whole trip back I am thinking that the next character who comes up to me is going to meet a very unhappy customer. I am going to have a really hard time suppressing my emotions. The range was somewhere between a polite "No thank you" and something Mike Tysonesque. I can see the headlines in the this evenings paper, "Hundreds of kids horrified as man rips Mickeys head off and throws it to the floor."
I get two bites of cold food and up strolls Minnie Mouse. She is rocking a polka dot mini-skirt, black leggings, Minnie Mouse pumps and she doesn't want to shake my hand, she wants a kiss. I gently shake my head in a "No" direction, but she gives me a pout. I try to look away, but she moves into my line of sight. I try to look at the ground and she moves in close and bends down and looks me in the eyes. Finally, being the sucker that I am, I gave in an kissed her on the cheek. She makes the motion like fireworks just shot off.
Minnie was the one and only thing that could have removed all of my tension without a headlines in tomorrows newspaper.
And the award goes to ...
Disney's Magic Kingdom now has a section devoted to "Monster's Inc". I am not sure when they built that, I don't remember it from when I was here 5 years ago.
Sam and I attended on the of the shows there. The twist was that instead of trying to get screams to power their monster world, they are now trying to get laughs to provide their power. It turned out to be a comedy show.
We are in a dark theater that seats several hundred and the show starts. The animated Pixar characters are on the screen, but the voice's are live comedians. They tell us that this is a comedy show and start in with the jokes. They ask the audience questions, then respond based on the answers that were given and that is how I know the voices are live.
About 2 minutes into the skit they introduce someone that they call the "Worlds Ugliest Human". A spotlight comes on and shines right into my eyes. It is blinding me so I can't see anything while my eyes are adjusting but I can hear people busting a gut in laughter. Finally my eyes adjust and I look at the huge monitor to see a close up of my now surprised face. That look brought the house down. Then the spot light went out and I was so relieved that they had moved on to other jokes.
What I didn't know at that time was that the overarching theme of this whole comedy skit was going to be a roast of the "World's Ugliest Human". About every two minutes a joke would come out of nowhere and I would be blinded by the light. For instance, one of the lines was, "Next Halloween I am going to dress up like this guy!!!", followed by the blinding spot light, a close up of my face and lots of laughter.
When it was over, everyone gave me a big round of applause for kindly going along with the abuse. Thoroughly embarrassed, when the house lights came on, I just wanted to bury my head in the sand. That's when a young female park worker handed me a Monsters Inc sticker reading "I was that guy". I briefly looked at it, then quickly jammed it in my pocket and made a fast exit. It felt great to be in the fresh air and disbursed into the crowd who didn't know me.
A few hours later, I fully recovered and decided that I would wear that sticker proudly the rest of the day. I deliberately put it on crooked so it would match the message. I ended up getting so much attention from the park workers and sympathetic women around me that by the end of the day I was thinking, "Man, being the Worlds Ugliest Human is a pretty good gig."



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